I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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