There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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