I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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