I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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