I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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