sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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