We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
