On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
