How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
