The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
