how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
