omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
