Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
