i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
