Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
