Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize