His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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