she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
