As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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