I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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