part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
