Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
