Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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