You're completely useless in the revolution.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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