I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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