Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
