just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize