Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
love makes seman taste better
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Sober January is a disaster.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
