SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
