No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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