in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
