The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize