oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
