yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
