my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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