in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Randomize
