I'm so fucking centered right now
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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