Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
