I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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