and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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