Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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