cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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