Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
