Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
