I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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