So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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