rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
