So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You have to summon your inner elephant
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
