I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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