I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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