I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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