Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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