i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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