I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
