After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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