they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
