So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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