everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
