Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
