dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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