i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
