New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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